Coping with the pressures of not having a male child

“Children are a gift from the Gods”

            We have all heard the saying. Not having a male child is still considered to be synonymous with a failed marriage. It seems that the entire purpose of marrying is to produce a male offspring.

            The reasons for a very clear male preference are numerous. I have tried to sum up a few from the point of view of my relatives and elders.

Sons will carry forth the family name.       This is the first point that all elders come up with. It is closely associated with children keeping their father’s name, not their mother’s. And it is quite true. Perhaps that is why it is always brought out first. Thankfully, the society is giving greater credits to the achievements of the girls as well, and your daughter stands an equal chance of making you proud if you provide her with an equal opportunity.

Sons will lead you to salvation in afterlife.             Pious Hindus believe that one cannot attain salvation till one has been offered fire by your son during cremation. So, this logic applies only to Hindus. I have read some scriptures, and am aware that there are ways to attain salvation even without siring a son. At any rate, the first step in the path to salvation is “right living”, and it is perhaps foolhardy to focus on the last step when one has not gone about the first step.

Sons will look after you in old age.              This used to be true in the times of joint family. With increasing nuclearisation of families, chances are that the son will be as far away from you during the grey years as your daughter.

Sons will earn money for you and the family.        Really? We all have read stories of children turning away their aging parents or treating them cruelly. It may have been true in the times of joint family. If you are lucky enough to be living in a joint family, please do not bet on your children continuing with the traditions. And in a nuclear family, one must cater for one’s old age both financially and emotionally.

            It also works the other way around. While it is a very good idea to provide your child with a sound financial support system, one should not be miserly in treating oneself well. As my father used to say

“Poot Sapoot to kya dhan sanchay, Poot Kapoot to kya dhan sanchay”

(What is the point of hoarding wealth if your son is a worthy, capable son; and what is the point of hoarding wealth if your son is unworthy son).

            The adage works for both sons and daughters. As a parent, we must provide for them and impart them good values and education. I don’t think we should burden them with either too much of responsibility – they will have their hands full when time comes for their taking up role as parents, which is also the time when we will be in the ripe old age.

Sons mean getting dowry. (And daughters mean giving away dowry)   Alas! A sad truth about Indian society, one that has not been substantially solved in spite of numerous legislations. Thankfully, with greater women education and empowerment, things are slowly but surely changing. Here, our educated young boys are contributing as much as our girls.

A girl is someone else’s wealth (Ladki paraya dhan hai).              Our scriptures have been consistent in respecting women as goddess, wealth and a subject of respect. Yet, we tend to focus on the part where they have to leave. Why not focus on the goddess, wealth and respect. Interestingly, the scriptures also mention that one cannot attain salvation without getting your daughter married respectfully.

Et Cetera.       This is generally the point of time when elders deluge you with a barrage of quotes and irrelevant logics. Most of them are repetitions of above in one form or another, but quite a few are novel and somewhat logical. A relative once told me that playing catch with his son was a treasured moment of his life. (When my elder daughter grew to be 8, I played catch with her. It was quite frustrating as she was really bad. But she plays basketball like a champion – a game that I suck at.)

The pressures, and how to deal with them.            The pressures are numerous, and real. They crop up upon you in all walks of life, and sometimes at most unexpected of places. For instance, it is bound to crop up during every family function and religious gathering, dining table, visit of relatives, and any occasion which any known or unknown person attends or talks about with her (a rare instance where the word of a lady carries more weight) male progeny.

            So how to deal with them? To each his own. I’ll only tell you about what I did.

Be sure.          Before trying to fight and idea, one has to be sure about. My wife and I had decided that we want two children, and no more. The decision was not reached in a single session or day – it took us the entire duration of our marriage to understand each other as person, as professionals, as friends and later as parents in order to arrive at this decision. What worked for us was talking about it. We were to talk about all aspects at all times – whether we were angry, or depressed (there are such moments), frustrated or just in need of letting out steam. We were the supporting pillars as well as the punchbags for each other during these times.

Be prepared.              The pressures are real. And you cannot run away from them. Discuss with your spouse, and be prepared to smile silently, or reply respectfully of defiantly, depending on the situation.

Be prepared to be caught unprepared.       There will be times when you come across snide remarks or gentle coercion at most unexpected times. These times will bring out the best, or the worst, in you. Irrespective of the occasion or your response, think about what happened, and use it as a template to prepare for the future.

           

But what if I do get convinced!   If you want another child, congratulations! It is a very personal decision, and no one – blog, article, person, government, or any power on earth – has the right to force you to act otherwise. But if you do want another child, please do so for the right reasons. Please keep in mind that

@ No person or process can guarantee the sex of your next child.

@ Sex of the child is decided by chromosomes contributed by chance by the father. Nothing that the father or the mother does will in any way change the chances of getting a male or female child, which remains at 50% for each child.

@ It is illegal to carry out pre – natal sex determination in India. And there is a very good reason for it. Respect this law.

@ I personally believe that if you kill your unborn child after knowing her sex, you will never get a good night’s sleep. It will eat you soul. Of course, it is also a crime.

 

My Take:       To each his own. I am a very happy and proud father of two great daughters who are delightful, and quite a handful. I am happy for them, as well as for us. I am trying my best to be a good father, and I am very happy with our decision that they are the two diamonds in our lives.